Every parent wants the best for their kids in life, and by that we don't just mean having a good job and a good income, but also being happy. And all parents are curious about how they can facilitate that.
It's more important to develop a fundamental set of skills that enable people to deal with life's inevitable challenges, according to Harvard's Center on the Developing Child, than it is to focus on academic performance and extracurricular activities. All of these competencies fall under the category of executive function abilities, which we employ for self-regulation. The majority of successful and contented people have good executive function abilities.
What are five important core skills?
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- Planning: being able to make and carry out concrete goals and plans
- Focus: the ability to concentrate on what’s important at a given time
- Self-control: controlling how we respond to not just our emotions but stressful situations
- Awareness: not just noticing the people and situations around us, but also understanding how we fit in
- Flexibility: the ability to adapt to changing situations.
Even though children (and adults) can and do learn these skills throughout their lives, two stages are crucial: early childhood (ages 3 to 5) and adolescence/early adulthood (ages 13 to 26). Children can be better prepared for success by learning and applying these skills during these windows of opportunity. We'll discuss that second window of adolescence in this article.
Any skill can be learned most effectively by doing it yourself. Here are some recommendations for parents who are unsure of how and when to assist.
Planning:
When kids are young, it's normal for parents and other adults to make the plans. However, as they get older and become teenagers, they must learn to take care of themselves.
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- Avoid micromanaging your teen’s life. Instead, set some ground rules — simple ones like: homework needs to get done, they need seven to eight hours of sleep, and regular exercise is important. You may have some other ground rules, like attending family meals or religious services. Then let your teen figure out how to get it done. Step in only if ground rules are clearly being broken consistently.
- When teens have long-term projects, such as a research project or college applications, sit and talk with them about how they want to get it done. Let them come up with ideas before you do!
- Involve your teens in planning family activities or vacations, home renovations, or other projects. Let them make some of the decisions (even if you don’t always agree).
Focus:
People of all ages are experiencing a wide variety of focus issues as a result of the explosion in device use. More than ever, it's crucial to avoid screen time because the instant gratification that comes with them makes it difficult to put them down and concentrate on less stimulating tasks.
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- talk about how social media and the Internet can interfere with daily life (and homework), and help them come up with strategies to manage the distraction.
- have screen-free meals and family time.
- encourage hands-on activities that don’t involve screens, like cooking, baking, building things, sewing, crocheting, drawing, painting, or gardening.
Self-control:
This is one instance in which it's crucial to be aware of your own responses to circumstances. How do you handle frustration and rage? Have you ever experienced road rage? Keep in mind that what we do and say are always more important to our children. Your teen can develop self-control if you:
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- Talk about feelings, and about strategies for managing strong feelings — like taking a deep breath, stepping away from the situation, screaming into a pillow, etc.
- Debrief after upsets, once everyone has calmed down. What might your teen have done differently? What could they do next time?
- Talk about how their behavior affects others, and why it’s important to be mindful of that (a practice that also teaches awareness).
Awareness:
Teenagers are often acutely aware, but primarily of their own world. Encourage them to expand their perspective.
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- Talk about current events and stories in the news. In particular, talk about how these affect people, and how different people might see them differently.
- Go places with your teen — even just a walk in the woods or a visit to a nearby town can give them opportunities to look around them and see things they might otherwise miss.
- Join community service activities as a family; show teens how they can make a difference.
- Have rituals of checking in as a family, like at dinner. Give everyone a chance to talk about their day.
Flexibility:
Teenagers need to be able to adapt because life frequently throws curve balls their way.
- Don’t be too rigid about your teen’s schedule. Help them prioritize, and see which things can be missed or postponed when something happens, good or bad.
- Encourage some spontaneity. This, too, is about learning to prioritize and not getting too stuck in routines.
- Be a role model. Be spontaneous yourself — and don’t get too upset when plans change. Make new plans.
There is a chance that your teen will fail whenever you give them a task to complete. Refrain from rushing into things. Even though it's crucial to always have your child's back, sometimes teens need to fail in order to succeed. Before you offer assistance, give them some time to figure it out on their own. You might just be surprised.
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